Negative Self-Talk

I was thinking some years ago that people hire fitness coaches for the body, but why not someone for the brain? One day, I decided to do just that.

I hired a psychotherapist, not because I was out to fix bad or chronic behavior, or solve a problem with my parents, but because I needed more reference points in my life if I was going to be the best possible leader. I wanted to know who I was, and how I got to that point in my life. I needed a neutral party to evaluate and coach me if I was to be the best in my profession. I needed to be clear about why I was the way I was, how I could become more self-aware, and able to contrast my point of view with the world around me. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. It was like putting on a pair of corrective lenses for the first time. 

April Roseman wasn’t just a “therapist,” which doesn’t describer her work all that well, she is a brilliant life coach, advisor, teacher, and a big influence in my life. She’s smart, quick, no-nonsense, and is a cross between Dr. Phil and some of the tough, yet very smart nuns I had in school growing up, nuns who were firmly grounded in big concepts combined with common sense. If I was making a mistake, or handling something badly, I was going to hear it from April.

But, what mattered, was that unabashed slap into reality I needed now and again to keep self-doubt at bay. She helped me figure out a way to calibrate those around me while keeping myself grounded and able to take my life somewhere that mattered. Even though she retired years ago, we still talk every two weeks and I wouldn’t miss those calls for anything. She is without a doubt one of the key components to the success I’ve had in life.

The year 2000 was much like 2020 for me. It was a particularly bad year. I’d just lost a friend that early spring, and I wasn’t sure where I was going. In 2000 I knew I wanted out of my career as a federal court appointed corporate trustee, but I didn’t know what I’d do next. It was a time to start over. I was rethinking everything, and I wanted to get back to a more entrepreneurial life.

I was trying a lot of new experiences to see what would fit. I was out taking classes, talking to people, traveling more, just to gain a new point of view. In early 2001, April gave me an article written about the core teachings of David K. Reynolds who wrote, “Constructive Living.” The article hit me at the exact right point in my life, and it was one of those articles we all wish we could find, that gives us just the right information at the right time that becomes foundational to changing everything. And wow, did it!

It helped define the next steps that were critical to the acquisition of Open Interface North America, Inc. I will write about how that all unfolded in a separate post, and it will be a topic of one of our calls. All of these pieces connect, and they were all important in my journey to success.

I meet a lot of entrepreneurs who have a good idea, know it’s a good idea, but are afraid to act. I’ll ask why they haven’t made that entrepreneurial leap, and bought a company when they had a chance, or launched that fantastic idea. Often, I’ll get a shrug and a few words about their worry about failing. Failure is a real possibility and most startup entrepreneurs fail. Or do they?

I still believe that what’s classified as failure is simply the iteration to success. They aren’t real failures. I think the number of individuals who attempt at entrepreneurship, fail, and never try again, and instead go work for someone else, is much smaller number than what’s reported. The problem is, there is no way to get to a real number because so many never get to the point of a physical space or a real business from which they work. Even then, a business could close that was an iteration to a portion of the original business that was a success. If you started one restaurant, then opened a second, but closed the first location, is that a failure?

Every entrepreneur I know had moments of self-doubt and some negative self-talk somewhere. Even world leaders have moments when they doubt their abilities. Often those who fail were people who didn’t push through the negative talk, or difficult stretch, and instead, gave up. One CEO I know very well, took his failure very personally and declared that it was impossible for anyone to succeed in his similar industry. Yet, what he went through set him up to understand his criteria going forward. He’s back at it again, only this time he’s moving forward with incredible success. Was he a failure? Not even close. That first business was necessary for the second.

We tend to be our own worst enemies, especially in difficult times. The biggest obstacle we often face is our self-doubt. We can easily talk ourselves out of success and imposter syndrome is a real thing. Every successful entrepreneur I know has had bad days, days when they didn’t think they would survive. All have had setbacks in one form or another. All wanted to hide under a table at one point or another. This is just a part of the journey.

The biggest point to remember as entrepreneurs, is that we’re all our own worst enemy. It’s up to us to sort out what’s real and what isn’t. So how do we do that?

We can find someone to act as a coach and preferably someone with real life experience. A good pragmatist helps. If you can’t sing you want someone who will tell you. Look for someone who’s held a successful leadership role. Find someone who will challenge you and push you out of your comfort zone. Find that coach or group who can hold the tough conversations and tell you when you’re screwing up, but also support you when you need to hold a position and feel like the world is against you.

David Reynolds made the point that you can be afraid of something but do what scares you anyway. What stuck with me about his work, was the idea of confronting fears and the small win as a way to build self-esteem. I’ve been using that concept for about the last twenty years and it’s led me into amazing opportunities. It’s a concept of testing if your negative talk is fear-based. Often it is.

It works something like this for a lot of us. Assume I don’t want to do something. Do I know why I don’t want to do it? Is it because I’m afraid to do it? How can I be so sure I won’t have fun? How do I know I won’t like it? Do I have an open mind? Am I failing to prove myself right that I’m a failure at whatever I’m doing? Or, am I just scared? Most of the time, that last question is either a small or a very big part of why I’m stuck, or why I have self-doubt. It’s good to keep an open mind and test your assumptions. Some people have no idea they are stuck! It’s where a great coach can help.

How I combat fear and its influence on my decisions is by doing the little things that lead to a win. I change up my routine. Making calls to old friends, fixing something in the garage, going for a walk, no matter what, always something positive, always some small challenge in one form or another. A small win goes a long way. I try something that could give me a clue about how to get unstuck. One trick is to give yourself a brain break and do something physical in the yard. Go for a run. Go explore someplace new. Most of all, learn how to be uncomfortable as you try new things. Check in with someone who can give you that impartial advice.

Getting unstuck is not all that easy sometimes. Yet, what mostly keeps us stuck is negative self-talk. The trick is to do everything you can to combat it, and keep moving.

Let that discomfort that comes with working through the problems become a part of your life. The work alone will serve you in two ways. For one, it will expose you to new ideas and opportunities. Second, you will have an easier time getting through future difficult moments. You will not avoid discomfort if you know trying new things will result in something better. Some people won’t fire a bad employee out of a desire to never be uncomfortable. To them it’s better to work with someone who’s holding the company back. You can’t run at optimum that way. Who tells you when you’re avoiding something? This is where a good support system comes in. If you can’t find a coach, find that entrepreneurial support group somewhere and risk being uncomfortable with the process.

Never stop and let others define you or put you in a box because of your own self-doubt. Getting comfortable with the discomfort that comes with change, odd as that sounds, it will lead you into a higher likelihood of success. The down days are going to happen. Self doubt will creep in. It’s your job to work at resilience and master the skills that will get you through it. Spend time doing the work. It will hopefully prevent you from ever giving up on the chance to build something great.